I’m listening to a lot of new music these days. A lot of heavy, hard rock. Some screaming, some quite nice! It’s hard to go back to pop songs, even though I have fond, fun memories when I listen to 80s rock (shhhhh… I’m that old… LOL). It’s the lyrics though. Sure there can be lots of cursing and bad attitude in some of the songs. But the content is so much more… THERE… than a lot of pop songs. There is more angst, more pain revealed, more hope extended, more anger and standing up for oneself. It’s not all about love and rainbows and silliness. There’s more meat to it. Sometimes that meat is raw and bloody but it can really make you think.
There’s a lot of anger out there. Anger comes from pain, usually from some boundary trodden on or ignored by someone. I’ve learned all about boundaries. For so many years, I put on a smile to hide the anger I felt at someone crossing a line I hadn’t drawn. Of course, if you draw a line in soft beach sand, the waves can come crashing in and remove it, no matter how much of a dam you built. I was amazed at the amount of hidden anger I really had when it was revealed during an Anger Management course. It is very difficult to change how you’ve dealt with people and how you’ve hidden things all your life. However, when it comes down to change or repeat the painful past and miserable life the way you have until you get it, it’s much better just to change the first time around!
We cause ourselves so much pain just by not speaking up for ourselves. If someone steps on your foot, you say “Ouch! That hurt. Please be more careful.” If someone crosses a boundary – whatever it may be – say, “Ouch! I don’t like that. Please don’t do that anymore.” If that person refuses to listen, say it again. If they STILL don’t listen, perhaps it’s time to not spend any more effort on or with that person. Burying your anger, swallowing your words, hiding your blackness within only hurts YOU. Maybe you can’t see what it’s doing to you but in reality, it’s tearing you down inside. It’s undermining your belief in yourself.
There comes a time in everyone’s life that they have to stand up for themselves. They may have had someone else standing up for them for years, but there will be a time when that person can’t be there to “save” you. At that moment, you will step up to the plate and nail that ball so far out you’ll wonder why you never did so before. Darren always told me, “You’re stronger than you think!” The first step, first word, is the hardest to take. You may lose friends. You may lose lovers. You may even lose touch with family members for awhile. But those are the ones you should lose if they can’t respect the things that are important to you.
“No” is a complete sentence.
As for me, I’ve stepped out of the prison I built for myself – the one where I locked myself inside with my anger and betrayals and pain and low self esteem – and I’m looking out over the sunny, sandy beach where the deep blue of the sea embraces the brilliant blue of the sky that goes on forever.
Freedom is everything.
Bumbling Along 