Woman Without Her Man Is Nothing.

This week I went to Tim Horton’s to have a visit with our Pastor. I offered to sing on the worship team before Christmas and he wanted to get together and talk before he said “yay” or “nay”. I was worried some. My past has included some pretty heavy judgement from those who call themselves Christians. I still call myself Christian but I try very hard NOT to judge anyone else, even if I don’t necessarily agree with their actions. I always try to see both sides of the story and to try to understand what motivates someone to act in that particular way. I also try to offer myself the same self-understanding.

During our conversation, I told him my story, my past. I told him that it was up to him what he chose to do with what I told him and that if he didn’t want me on worship team, I wouldn’t ask him again. I was concerned so I had determined that morning that my response was not going to be emotional. I refuse to let people hurt me so if they are going to judge me by my past, then I don’t want to invest time into a doomed friendship.

Therefore, here it is, in your face, deal.

Anyways, he wants me on worship. We discussed a lot of different things about church and responsibilities of pastors and things. He seems to be okay with how life is for me now. This is good since, as I said, I won’t waste my time putting effort into a friendship with someone who will only crush me in the end.

This morning I was thinking in the shower (a usual occurrence – the reason I tend to have long, hot showers) and I saw a parallel between the story/joke about the college professor who asked his students to punctuate a sentence about men and women. To me, both results are extreme because I believe men and women are equal. However, I realized that for most of my life, as much as I hated the thought that I was lesser than someone else, my core belief was the men’s punctuated version. “Woman, without her man, is nothing.”

For too many years, I believed that I couldn’t make it without a man to take care of me. My first marriage should have taught me that I can not only care for myself, but also someone else since my first husband couldn’t seem to keep a job for more than a couple of months at a time. I paid the bills. I bought the food. I paid the rent. He made the decisions. But… I couldn’t leave him, even after he cheated on me, without first “falling in love” with another man so he could “rescue me” and take me away from it all. Then I was young and immature.

For too many more years, I still believed that I couldn’t make it without a man to care for me. My second husband did take care of the bills, rent and food. I took care of the house and the kids. I also made all the decisions (though I didn’t want to), ran the gauntlet every time we had debt collectors calling (I hated that), did the taxes (math is NOT my strong suit!!!!) and took care of all the other chores of money and life’s responsibilities. Don’t get me wrong, my ex is a sweet guy but he can’t make a decision to save his life. This time, I wasn’t so young but still desperately helpless. And again, I needed to “fall in love” with someone to “save me”. The failure in the marriage was mine, not his.

What it all boils down to is that whenever I knew I needed to change something about myself or my life, I felt like I couldn’t change what I needed to on my own. I needed to have a man so that I could change myself – unfortunately, only into something else the new man wanted and not what I wanted! But that core belief is what motivated my life changes – the big ones, that is. I had too much “Woman, without her man, is nothing” instead of “Woman: without her, man is nothing.”

Today, I don’t believe either of the sentences fully. Neither man nor woman is superior to the other sex. I believe we are meant to be partners in all things. I believe we are meant to make decisions together, to run the home together, to share the workload together. It’s taken a lot to see that I am a full human being and I am fully able to care for not only myself, but others as well. I don’t have a job right now and I haven’t since I got pregnant with the twins. But it doesn’t matter. Together, we decided that I could stay at home and raise our children. Now that they are in school and Darren makes enough that I can, together, we have decided that I can continue to stay home and care for our house and children when they are home. For now, I contribute the money I get into the household funds and contribute my work at the house to our communal home. Some day that may change.

For the first time, I feel like a whole person either with or without Darren. I love him, but I won’t die without him should the unthinkable happen. As the years have progressed in our relationship, I continually feel the need to stretch and grow and he always supports me in every venture.

So let me change the sentence just a little…

“Woman and her man, there is nothing they can’t face together.”


1 Response so far »

  1. 1

    Ken Durocher said,

    Agreed. Chris and I have been married for over 32 years and we can face anything as a team. Ken D

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