God-Given Gifts?

I went to church today. During the sermon, it was mentioned that the Carol Fest and Bethlehem Inn were coming up. The Fest wants people or groups for singing and the Inn is still open for all sorts of different parts. I had a strong desire to do both. I haven’t attended either, let alone been a part of either, since I left the old church. And for both, I’d have to go through the old church. Now I know it’s been eight (yes, you read that right – eight) years since I turned my life upside down and created a rift between us. I – can’t? – won’t? – don’t want the old false life I had there and then. I don’t want to be a chameleon; a false person camouflaged to fit in with no mind or opinion of my own.

Let’s get it straight – it wasn’t a forced public opinion, it’s just that I was a very insecure and weak person. I had such a fear of upsetting someone or offending someone that I would go to every length to avoid conflict, including negating my own opinions. In other words, I didn’t have any opinions that belonged to me, I just parroted everyone else’s. I knew how to be everything that everyone but I wanted me to be. In many respects, I was a lot like Julia Roberts’ character in “Runaway Bride”. Only I didn’t run away at the altar, I was too afraid of upsetting the boat obligated to get married. I didn’t know me. I didn’t know what I liked, what I wanted, what I needed from myself let alone anyone else. The only way I had any self esteem was to “save” a broken, unlovable, unavailable man and somehow, in the process, I imagined would be saved as well.

Anyways, what it all comes down to is that I desperately needed to know who I was. While tearing my heart out and destroying the life I had “falling in love” (obsession) with a married man, I came to the understanding that I had to fix myself, that unless I did something about really and truly searching inwardly to find the true me, I was doomed to repeat this miserable mistake, over and over and over. After having done it twice already, I really did not ever want to do it again!!! I also knew that I had to leave to do it. I had to leave my then husband. After nearly 10 years of being his equally co-dependent end-all-be-all, my responses to him and his words and actions were totally ingrained and I still don’t believe I would have been strong enough to fix myself if I’d stayed. Besides, how could I profess to love him when I’d just had the same obsession over someone else as I had over him at first?

Whatever. I have been crushed and ostracised by others enough over that decision. However, I am stronger now because of it. I know who I am. I know what I want. I’m not afraid to stand up for my opinions – and I actually have valid opinions that are important to me! And in learning myself, I have put up boundaries and so, for the first time in my life, I have a good relationship with my mother.
What I’m getting to, in my roundabout way, is that before I left, I was told I was no longer welcome to be a part of any of those things – acting, singing, playing in the band, worship service, etc. It was previously asked at this church if anyone was willing to be a part of the worship team. I bit my tongue. My oldest son asked why I didn’t volunteer. And all I can think is, Why start something if I’m just going to get kicked out when they find out who I am? And, Do you really want to get that close to people in the church like that again? Those thoughts came a-callin’ again today.

I remember being part of the group singing special carols for people to enjoy. Singing on Christmas Eve service in the Lutheran church we went to for awhile. I like to sing and I still do go karaokeing almost every weekend… but singing is one of my God-given talents, so shouldn’t I be also using it in church and church functions?

The first play I did when I joined the old church was The Bethlehem Inn. It and the skits we did in services were the first taste of my true love after many dry years of wasted time. It was where I got close to everyone at the old church, where I became part of the group – doing what I love best in the world. I’ve done only “A Charming Tale” and “Murder Me Always” in the eight years since I left. Again, acting is one of my God-given talents… so shouldn’t I be also using it in church and church functions?
But I don’t want the drama of attempting to be a part of something I’m not welcome at. It irks me feeling this way. I hold myself back from being a part of things at this new church. I’m waiting for someone to figure out that I’m “that girl”.

I talked briefly to Jeff before leaving today. I think I may have confused him more than anything. I asked if there was a choir there that was doing something for the Fest. He told me no, as there is no one there to lead it. I could. I’m sure I could. Look how talented Dad has been at leading their choir all these years. I’m musically trained enough that I’m sure I could do it…

But would they want someone with a “defective” past who’s been told she’s not welcome before?

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2 Responses so far »

  1. 1

    Ken Durocher said,

    A profound unveiling of your inner self. We are supposed to be operating under grace. Grace should allow us to leave our past behind us and live in the present. We all make mistakes. Life gives the exam first and the lesson after. Use your talents for God, all he wants is your love. Performing dramas and singing are both forms of worship. Use your God given talents for God and rejoice.

    • 2

      purrrkitten said,

      Thanks, Ken. Sometimes I feel like I get all this “noise” in my head and my mistrust surfaces too much, bobbing around like freakin’ Captian Crunch cereal in a fresh bowl of milk. It’s annoying but you have to wait until it eventually gets soggy before you can flush it, you know? LOL
      And I may just see about starting that choir/group for church after all…


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