Erase This Monster…

“Monster You Made” – Pop Evil

I’ve had Pop Evil’s song “Monster You Made” stuck in my head for awhile now. It’s a song that seems to have a lot of meaning for me. I can deeply relate to the words, having made my fair share of mistakes in my adult life. It’s a song of pleading, asking for forgiveness from those you’ve wronged. It’s making the changes necessary in your life and yet still needing to say you’re sorry. Sometimes, after all these years, I still feel the hurt – both my own and the pain I caused others. Maybe there will never be closure from some. Maybe there will never be understanding from some. Maybe there will never be forgiveness, outside of the forgiveness I can give myself. And that, in itself, is extremely difficult!

Yet, it is difficult, too, to ask for forgiveness from those I’ve wounded. I hold on to my anger, bitterness, distrust, and feelings of betrayal like a sort of dysfunctional love affair with the bottle. I pull them close like a suit of metal armour. I wallow in their twisted caresses, letting their poison seep through my skin. Lately, I’ve been pushing instead of pulling, trying to throw their grasping tentacles away from me, seeing their seductive disease for what it really is – another way to be stuck in the past, trapped in old habits of low self esteem. The broken record telling me I don’t deserve forgiveness. I don’t deserve to be understood. I don’t deserve closure. I don’t… I don’t… I don’t…

Liar! How many times do I need to forgive myself? How many times do I have to tear the needle off the record? I don’t excuse my mistakes. I don’t excuse my behaviour. However, I do think we can be flawed and make mistakes. Don’t we all, every one of us? I can forgive other people but not myself? That makes me arrogant. Why am I so different that I am not eligible for forgiveness? Ego. It’s confusing how your ego can also be arrogant in a detrimental way.

So once again, I toss away the strangling vines of self flagellation. I plead forgiveness to all those I’ve injured emotionally and speak out forgiveness to my Self. An emotionally stunted and damaged person can change for the better. A pretty, green chameleon can shed its skin to become anything someone else wants but an ugly, ungainly caterpillar will eventually change into a beautiful butterfly. I have grown wings and I’m not afraid to fly!

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